Seeing the World
9.24.17 - Such a desperation to right the wrongs. But in reality, who does it matter to? I joined a movement online, composed of other parents wronged by the system and by the other parent. They all want to change the way things are done. I followed them and was active in all their groups. I did 3 interviews. I researched the facts. I thought of solutions. I made a website. I made the best protest sign. I wanted to honor each of those children by holding their faces up high.... But, when it's all said and done, people are too busy and too hurt to care. I went to a march and rally in DC. I left right before the march. Something wasn't right. People were off. I invested a lot of time in that 'movement'. Now I have to step away from that group. I shut down my facebook. I will pursue it in a different way. I don't want to bring dishonor to the memory of those children, and especially my own children, namely Anjelica. I am going to do a few more things. Then I can move on. It's been almost a year since I talked to my girls. I already went down this long and lonely path after Anjelica left. It breaks my heart. It crushes me. I am only human. I desire love and I want purpose. My children were my love and my purpose. That was robbed. Everything in life has been robbed. All I have is beautiful solitude. I will try to keep that gift. I will try to keep peace. But not at the price of truth. Truth is most important. It sets me apart from the rest of this world. So I will follow that path. Truth is offensive to people. Truth is an annoyance. It presses against their fragile make-believe worlds. In actuality, most of this world is lies. Whether our relationships, or what we are trying to get. Nothing is as it seems. The truth is underneath. That is where I dwell. There is peace there. It is lonely here but it is absolute. I sleep well. I am not fearful, except for the well-being of others. I do not fear death. In fact I welcome it. So many of my loved ones have crossed the threshold. I cannot back away from her calling, when she does. I will cherish this life until then.
To be more specific, an example of truth could be a statistic. If 1700 children are murdered each year, then that is a truth, right? You can't take away that FACT. But if 80% of them are murdered by caretakers, then the truth can be tweeked by the definition of 'caretaker'. Is the mother's boyfriend a 'caretaker'?
Or if 22% of children are killed by "Mother and Father" together, then that can be misunderstood if a boyfriend of the mother is classified as 'Father'. But the only way we can help these children is to know the TRUTH. Each of their stories needs looked at. Each one of those children hold REAL truth. Their story needs told. For instance, Alexis Stubbs, who was murdered by her mother's boyfriend in Chicago, in June of this year cried at the very end of her life, "Please daddy stop." But just because she was calling this man daddy, does not mean he was anything close to being daddy. In FACT, her biological father was dead, and his family had tried to get Alexis away from the mother, because they were concerned for the lifestyle the mother had, which had resulted in getting her other children taken away. So how was this murder classified? By "Father"? By "other"? Only 3% of children are classified as murdered by the "Boyfriend of the Mother", yet that is highly inaccurate. Was this man considered a 'boyfriend'? Was he considered a 'live-in partner'? The answer could be yes or no to those questions. He had just gotten out of his half-way house. Where was he staying? Why was he fighting with the mom? The TRUTH is that he had just served three years for strangling the mother. She had known him for about a year prior to that. So how is this classified, so that we can better serve the children in the future, by learning? In our hearts, we know that the mother was weak by allowing this man into their lives. She did not act to protect her daughter. Why? Did he force his way in? Or was she in such a desperate condition, that she would allow him into her life, and into her heart, despite the obvious danger? What made her that desperate? Lust? Something deeper? Why didn't she have the force within her that should have sought to protect and provide for her child? What went wrong? She was undoubtedly hurt time and again. This tainted her view. When were her choices her own, and when was she making them without any strength to resist? Do our choices that we make or our own volition, change the entire course of our life? In other words, if we are presented with the option to get away and to do something better, and we ignore that option out of temporary selfishness, then that is our own fault, but what of the next choice which is when the man, who you let into your life decides to choke you and then out of some fear, you allow him back into your life and then he murders your child. Who is held accountable? Is the grizzled dog the only accountable one, or is it the owner, who beat it, starved it, and let it off its leash and into the room with the child? There is so much to truth. It is very deep, and our hearts change its perception, but in REALITY, the truth often comes to conscience. So, only the person knows the truth and even they don't really know, only something deep in them knows. But what is that deep thing, and who regulates that? The only answer can be GOD. The creator. The one that our conscience is connected to. The one who really knows truth. In fact, the ONLY one who really knows truth. So to understand fully, we must submit to this higher power, and let its truth run in our veins. It does not mean that we will then KNOW all truth. No, we are still human and taint HIS truth with our own reality. We desire for certain things to be true, so we will insist on them, despite the REALITY. And yes there is a reality. The REALITY is that I raised all three of my daughters with all that I had. I loved them intently and with purpose. I cherished every moment we had. Of course sometimes I yelled at them or corrected them or told them to do work that they didn't want to do. Sometimes I disagreed with them and sometimes I pulled away from them or was forceful with them. That is the job of a father and the nuances of relationships. It is never perfect. The FACT is that I loved them and was involved in every part of their life that I could be. I taught them at every opportunity that I could. I reveled in their accomplishments and encouraged them constantly. I provided for them and sacrificed for them. I was the dad I never had. Yet, the lie has won. A completely fictitious story has prevailed, backed up by tweeked facts. For instance, the TRUTH of my filing charges against their mother for providing alcohol to minors in front of my children, especially after their sister had just been murdered by an unknown person, who could have been among those people - the TRUTH is that I LOVE my daughters SO MUCH, and want to protect them from the very stupidity, and foolishness, and EVIL that killed their sister. The truth is I was supposed to pick them up that day but nobody was answering texts, or emails, or phone calls. I was worried, because this had already happened before. It was the day of their sister's funeral. What could be going on? How are they having their fragile minds warped now? After many hours, I finally got a text back from Gracie. But then she stopped. So I went there. I think it was just before 11p. Of course, EVERYTHING is verifiable. I heard the laughter in the back yard. What was going on? So I looked over the fence and I saw the bonfire. I saw people drinking and laughing. I saw their mother burning her husband's clothes, and I heard Gracie say, "can I do it mommy, can I do it?" The depth of the depravity there is more than I wanted my children to experience. I took out my phone and filmed it. I watched for a few minutes. The REASON was TRUTH. Their mother had continuously lied and covered up the reality that she was exposing my children to. She is a liar. She can't help it I guess. So after so many lies, and to the point that a child had been murdered, then the TRUTH needs exposed. Lies branched out of that. My children believed them. I was the bad guy. I was stalking their mother. Well, you can call it what you want. For those hours, I was watching. Stalking is an incessant thing, which I had NOT done. This was the ONLY occasion that I did this, despite the danger my children had been in for the years prior. Well, I take that back. One time in 2005, I went to her window just after she had moved out of our home and while we were still married. I need to know if she was cheating. Well I cannot unsee what I saw that night. The truth is not always easy. And some truths are better left alone. Maybe that was one. And in fact, I don't want to know things about ugly people any more. I just want to protect people. But maybe the truth is more than we can handle. Maybe things are better left to the creator....
To be more specific, an example of truth could be a statistic. If 1700 children are murdered each year, then that is a truth, right? You can't take away that FACT. But if 80% of them are murdered by caretakers, then the truth can be tweeked by the definition of 'caretaker'. Is the mother's boyfriend a 'caretaker'?
Or if 22% of children are killed by "Mother and Father" together, then that can be misunderstood if a boyfriend of the mother is classified as 'Father'. But the only way we can help these children is to know the TRUTH. Each of their stories needs looked at. Each one of those children hold REAL truth. Their story needs told. For instance, Alexis Stubbs, who was murdered by her mother's boyfriend in Chicago, in June of this year cried at the very end of her life, "Please daddy stop." But just because she was calling this man daddy, does not mean he was anything close to being daddy. In FACT, her biological father was dead, and his family had tried to get Alexis away from the mother, because they were concerned for the lifestyle the mother had, which had resulted in getting her other children taken away. So how was this murder classified? By "Father"? By "other"? Only 3% of children are classified as murdered by the "Boyfriend of the Mother", yet that is highly inaccurate. Was this man considered a 'boyfriend'? Was he considered a 'live-in partner'? The answer could be yes or no to those questions. He had just gotten out of his half-way house. Where was he staying? Why was he fighting with the mom? The TRUTH is that he had just served three years for strangling the mother. She had known him for about a year prior to that. So how is this classified, so that we can better serve the children in the future, by learning? In our hearts, we know that the mother was weak by allowing this man into their lives. She did not act to protect her daughter. Why? Did he force his way in? Or was she in such a desperate condition, that she would allow him into her life, and into her heart, despite the obvious danger? What made her that desperate? Lust? Something deeper? Why didn't she have the force within her that should have sought to protect and provide for her child? What went wrong? She was undoubtedly hurt time and again. This tainted her view. When were her choices her own, and when was she making them without any strength to resist? Do our choices that we make or our own volition, change the entire course of our life? In other words, if we are presented with the option to get away and to do something better, and we ignore that option out of temporary selfishness, then that is our own fault, but what of the next choice which is when the man, who you let into your life decides to choke you and then out of some fear, you allow him back into your life and then he murders your child. Who is held accountable? Is the grizzled dog the only accountable one, or is it the owner, who beat it, starved it, and let it off its leash and into the room with the child? There is so much to truth. It is very deep, and our hearts change its perception, but in REALITY, the truth often comes to conscience. So, only the person knows the truth and even they don't really know, only something deep in them knows. But what is that deep thing, and who regulates that? The only answer can be GOD. The creator. The one that our conscience is connected to. The one who really knows truth. In fact, the ONLY one who really knows truth. So to understand fully, we must submit to this higher power, and let its truth run in our veins. It does not mean that we will then KNOW all truth. No, we are still human and taint HIS truth with our own reality. We desire for certain things to be true, so we will insist on them, despite the REALITY. And yes there is a reality. The REALITY is that I raised all three of my daughters with all that I had. I loved them intently and with purpose. I cherished every moment we had. Of course sometimes I yelled at them or corrected them or told them to do work that they didn't want to do. Sometimes I disagreed with them and sometimes I pulled away from them or was forceful with them. That is the job of a father and the nuances of relationships. It is never perfect. The FACT is that I loved them and was involved in every part of their life that I could be. I taught them at every opportunity that I could. I reveled in their accomplishments and encouraged them constantly. I provided for them and sacrificed for them. I was the dad I never had. Yet, the lie has won. A completely fictitious story has prevailed, backed up by tweeked facts. For instance, the TRUTH of my filing charges against their mother for providing alcohol to minors in front of my children, especially after their sister had just been murdered by an unknown person, who could have been among those people - the TRUTH is that I LOVE my daughters SO MUCH, and want to protect them from the very stupidity, and foolishness, and EVIL that killed their sister. The truth is I was supposed to pick them up that day but nobody was answering texts, or emails, or phone calls. I was worried, because this had already happened before. It was the day of their sister's funeral. What could be going on? How are they having their fragile minds warped now? After many hours, I finally got a text back from Gracie. But then she stopped. So I went there. I think it was just before 11p. Of course, EVERYTHING is verifiable. I heard the laughter in the back yard. What was going on? So I looked over the fence and I saw the bonfire. I saw people drinking and laughing. I saw their mother burning her husband's clothes, and I heard Gracie say, "can I do it mommy, can I do it?" The depth of the depravity there is more than I wanted my children to experience. I took out my phone and filmed it. I watched for a few minutes. The REASON was TRUTH. Their mother had continuously lied and covered up the reality that she was exposing my children to. She is a liar. She can't help it I guess. So after so many lies, and to the point that a child had been murdered, then the TRUTH needs exposed. Lies branched out of that. My children believed them. I was the bad guy. I was stalking their mother. Well, you can call it what you want. For those hours, I was watching. Stalking is an incessant thing, which I had NOT done. This was the ONLY occasion that I did this, despite the danger my children had been in for the years prior. Well, I take that back. One time in 2005, I went to her window just after she had moved out of our home and while we were still married. I need to know if she was cheating. Well I cannot unsee what I saw that night. The truth is not always easy. And some truths are better left alone. Maybe that was one. And in fact, I don't want to know things about ugly people any more. I just want to protect people. But maybe the truth is more than we can handle. Maybe things are better left to the creator....
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